May Survival Guide–Not For The Faint of Heart.

What in the world is going on right now?  I feel like I have been thrown into hyper drive.  I have been so good at saying “no” all year but right now everything feels like you have to say yes, or your children will not get signed up for school next year, or pass the STAAR, or be prepared for the end of the year concert.  I’m thinking you feel that way too because we all have that same look on our face.  It’s a cross between “RBF” and “I’m too tired to function face.”  So, I thought I would put together this guide for you to survive May.  I hope it is helpful to you! 

1.     Summer is just around the corner and it is the time to plan all the educational day trips and magical summer vacations.  You cannot be like everyone else and have a normal summer.  You will plan out the next three months right now.  On the docket will be educational trips to museums your kids don’t care about, crafts that will end with you screaming the f-word at everyone, and bible studies complete with skits that your kids will eventually have to talk to a therapist about.  Whatever you do make sure every moment is planned or else your kids will rot their brains with screen time!!! YIKES!

2.     Use the throat punch.  This is highly undervalued in May because we all just got through Easter and are feeling very loving to everyone because the tomb is empty, and we have chocolate in our pantry.  However, you will need this when you see a PTA mom or Volunteer Coordinator come at you.  They cannot be stopped, only stunned with a throat punch, giving you just enough time to get to your car and speed off.

3.     When you do finally get cornered and asked what you can bring to the end of the year party be sure to sign up for something like the chocolate fountain.  Children cannot possibly start their summer vacation without seeing a chocolate fountain.  It must be set up 3 hours ahead of time with chocolate made by virgins in the hills of the Swiss Miss mountains. Be sure you also tell the Classroom mom that you would never think about cutting up non-organic fruit to go with said fountain, and the thought never crossed your mind to buy pre-cut fruit. 

4.     Is your body beach/bathing suit ready?  May is the best time to cut your calories and work out for at least 3 hours a day.  You can channel your Hangry-ness into those work outs.  Be sure and beat yourself up internally for looking like a normal 40-year-old mom.  

5.     Be sure and wake up at 2 am to plan the next day.  Your brain is it’s most rational and productive at 2 am.  The good news is this is storm season in TX so you will probably be up anyway.

6.     Throw date nights out in the month of May.  Your husband does not understand the Expert Level Mom game you are playing right now.  He is a liability that will say things to you like, “Are you doing too much?”  Shut that crap down and don’t talk to him until you wonder where in the heck he is in the month of June.

7.     For sure don’t go to church.  It is only there for your convenience.  Sure, it has the spiritual food you need to thrive, but it will also tempt you to think about really deep things like “rest,” and sister ain’t nobody got time for that.   

8.     Be sure and keep score at all the Year End Award Ceremonies.  Make a detailed list of all the awards your slacker kids did not get and make it your goal in life to achieve them all.  Never mind they hate you and are exhausted, push them anyway. You can’t show up to that Ceremony next May with lack luster awards.  Girl, please.   

9.     Post everything on Instagram.  Take a lesson from the 20-year-old’s, “If you don’t post it, it didn’t happen.”  If you need to lie to make your life look better, you have permission in the month of May.

10.  You CANNOT wear the same outfit to any event in May.  Be sure and go into debt over clothes you don’t care about to wear to 6th Grade Orchestra Concert you child will not remember.  Also, see # 9.

11.  After you have planned your day from 2—3 am, from 3—4 am really beat yourself up about all the things you did not do this year for your unloved abused children.  I mean what about that time you ran out of bread so your kid had to buy lunch like a common dog? 

12.  Leave it all out on the field.  Your child cannot play their sport if you are not sitting at every game cheering them on.  What are we doing this for if not to teach them that the world absolutely revolves around them?

13.  Meal plan.  Don’t you even dare swing by and pick up everyone’s favorite Chick Fil A.  What are we animals? Be sure and spend 3 hours preparing meals for your family that are, dairy free, gluten free, fat free, protein rich, complex carb rich, free of refined sugar, vegan, vegetarian, grain fed, cage free, Keto, and delicious.  Oh gosh I almost forgot organic!  Don’t mess around with this because you child might possible ingest a chemical or God forbid, enjoy the meal. 

14.  After you have given yourself a good beating from 3—4 am, from 4—5 am really sit in your stress.  Imagine all the worst-case scenarios if you, heaven forbid, don’t do all these things.  Imagine what people will say about you.  Imagine what you will get left out of.  Imagine how many people will die because there was no chocolate fountain.  In this session you might hear a still small voice that says, “None of this matters, you are loved no matter what awards your kids get, and you are called to deeper things than End of the Year Award Ceremonies.” IGNORE that joker.  He just wants to give you rest, abundant life and a family that reflects His kingdom.  Whatever!

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Sarah Griffith
Sarah Griffith

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